Let us address one of the most grievous issues first: It’s obvious you’ve been thinking. And not just idly thinking; you’ve been doing some real, solid introspection. Which is just WRONG! What were you thinking? I’ll tell you what you were thinking: something, and that is precisely what you shouldn’t be thinking. You are a person of thought, and of clarity, and that is inexcusable. Your contemplations may lead to legitimate creativity, deepening of character, and, worst of all, a progression and maturation of yourself.
In contrast to your obvious faults, allow me to introduce you to a perfect specimen of cool-ness: Chaz Chazzington. Chaz knows that the key to cool lies in an utter non-progression of personality, a stagnation of interesting features and thought and a reliance on pop-culture for new interests. When faced with the ghastly prospect of having free time to think, he assuages his mind with low-energy mental churnings regarding his social life, like his girlfriend, his other girlfriend, his friends’s girlfriends, and his “Bro-time.” He also makes absolutely certain to assault his eardrums with something so harsh and offensive to taste that it numbs him, utterly clearing his mind. That ensures he won’t be having any of that loathsome maturation today!
This leads us to our next point: Your tastes. You may think, looking over your “favorites” in all the different forms of media that you could be considered to have “good” taste. You would say you like good movies, good music, and good art. You would be correct, and that needs to stop. All forms of media are simply vehicles for ideas, and things considered to be in “good taste” are therefore obviously conveying good ideas intelligently. Which, come on, is obviously bad! Did we not just cover in the previous section the danger of your own, self-generated ideas? And now you want to expose yourself to the ruminations of the world’s great minds? Whatever is wrong with you?! What are you, some sort of insatiable idea-glutton, gorging your already dangerously clever mind with more brilliance? You obviously want to be left out of the “Cool” people forever. Cool people don’t want clever. They want genital-based jokes that insult whoever they have decided they dislike that hour.
Chaz knows this. He GETS it. What, you might ask, does Chaz like to listen to for music? He likes his bass loud, and his bass louder. Yeah, bro, he knows he said bass twice. That’s how loud he likes it. LOUD. There is not a single song on his brand-name music-playback device that does not degrade women or glorify sex/violence/money. The word “love” appears 6 times only in his 3000 songs, and twice it is followed by, “dat booty.” As for movies, he likes them raunchy, or shooty, or exploding. That’s it. Those are literally his only criteria for value in a film. Well, it does get bonus points if the attractive female lead shows her breasts. Chaz likes that. And art? Chaz thinks that he’ll just leave that for the gays, right guys? Hyuck. Hyuck.
There are many more fields in which your cool factor is painfully deficient, but there is one which should deal with most of them handily: your personality. It has come to our attention as a hivemind of popularity that you are being your own person an awful lot. You are making your own decisions based on personally formulated values, and expressing yourself the way you feel you most want to. To this, we have but one thing to say: “How dare you?” We are, frankly, offended by the ostentatiousness of your individuality. What are you doing, being yourself? Why aren’t you busy being us? Are we not worth being? You are pretending to be happy with your own characteristic style of dress, speech, and action. But we can tell that on the inside you are a shriveled husk of a human being, longing with all your withered heart to be cool, like us.
Chaz is like us. Chaz is cool. Chaz understand that the total obliteration of self is key to his happiness. And as Chaz perfectly mirrors our every facet, we are there not only as a collective of popular humanity, but also as that small voice that whispers in the back of his mind as he tries to sleep but still can’t. No Chaz, that isn’t hollow emptiness. Of course that isn’t an aching lack of self-fulfillment throbbing in your chest, Chaz. That’s victory. You’ve won, Chaz. You’ve won it all. You’re cool. And now you’ll always be cool, like us. Cool-ness is eternal, and your success in popularity now, in High School, will surely carry you over, satisfied, through the rest of your life. You are cool.
And that’s all that really matters.
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